Gravesoil
by RobinRocks
Summary: "Hey, Lelouch," Suzaku said again, quietly, desperate, "why won't you look at me?" [R1 : SuzaLulu]


So because a.) it's Lelouch's birthday today and b.) _Code Geass_ is getting a surprise Season 3 with confirmed-Lelouch-is-in-it-as-himself-and-not-a-fucking-Clamp-clone and I'm lit af about it, here's some SuzaLulu.

I know, right? :3

[Set after Episode 17 of _R1_.]

Gravesoil

C.C. was waiting for him when he at last emerged from the Knightmare. His throat was aching and he was in no mood for her word games.

"Go away, C.C.," he said exhaustedly, taking off his mask. His voice was hoarse. "Why are you still here?"

"I didn't think you would want to be alone," C.C. replied quietly. "Not tonight, not–"

"What?" Lelouch looked at her haughtily. "After that?"

"Yes."

He snorted. "It doesn't make any difference to me. In fact, it's rather funny, don't you think? That this is how it's turned out – that damned white knightmare, that thorn in my side... It was Suzaku the entire time." He laughed again. "Hysterical."

"You _are_ hysterical, yes."

Lelouch glowered at her. "You heard me laughing."

"I did." C.C. shook her head. "You can lie all you want, I know you're upset."

He stepped past her. "I'm sure you don't care," he said coldly. "Be honest, witch; you only stuck around to check I hadn't gone completely mad. The last thing you'd want on your hands is another Mao."

"Well, I suppose I can't argue with that." She caught his wrist as he walked away.

"C.C.!" He whirled angrily on her, trying to wrench free. "Let go! Let me _go_!"

"I can't let you go, Lelouch," she said quietly. "Not now."

He met her eyes, letting out a long shaky breath. His arm fell limp in her grasp. "No," he said. He looked at the floor. "That's... that's right, isn't it? I'm bound to you."

"And I to you," she said. "So you will never be alone."

"...I don't feel like he's betrayed me," Lelouch said softly. "Not even now, knowing his choice, knowing that it was him all along..."

"He's your enemy."

"I know." He looked at her; his smile was sad and desperate. "And I forgive him for it. Isn't that strange, C.C.? I didn't think I had it in me."

"Because you love him." C.C. shrugged as though this was obvious.

"Yes." He exhaled it, looking up at the Knightmare towering above them. "Yes, there's... really no helping that now. I can't even use my Geass on myself to make myself hate him. I already wasted it against Mao."

"You haven't used it on _him_ , though." C.C. finally let his wrist drop. "I think your choice is an obvious one."

"I'm not going to kill him," Lelouch said sharply. "Even... even if that was my plan before I knew–"

"Then make him obedient to you. I know you wanted to win him over by his own will but what other option do you have now?"

Lelouch's shoulders sagged. "...You're right," he said defeatedly. "I don't have a choice anymore. I'll have to use my Geass on him. I'll make him obedient to me, then he'll join the Black Knights, then he'll–"

"Obedient to who?" C.C. interrupted. "Lelouch Lamperouge or Zero?"

Lelouch drew himself up to his full height again, regarding her icily. His mask was tucked neatly under his arm.

"Same thing," he said.

"No," she replied. She shook her head. "Not yet."

* * *

"Hey."

Suzaku cornered him in the Student Council Room. They were the last to leave, Lelouch dawdling on purpose so that Suzaku would get impatient and go on without him.

"What?" Lelouch didn't look at him, making a show out of repacking his bag.

"What do you mean, what?" Suzaku said. "You _know_ what."

"Do I?"

" _Yes_!" Suzaku sounded incredulous. "Why are you in such a mood?"

"I'm not in a mood."

Suzaku leaned his hip against the table. "Sure you're not. That's why you were so sharp-tongued and cold during the meeting that even Milly backed off."

Lelouch huffed. "Can't I have an off day once in a while?" he asked coolly. "I can't be nice all the damn time."

Suzaku rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it must be hard for you to maintain the act twenty-four-seven."

Lelouch felt his heart quicken a touch. Maintaining acts, wearing masks... He wanted to laugh again. Rich, wasn't it, coming from Suzaku Kururugi?

"What act?" he asked calmly. "Of being civil?"

"Of being human."

Lelouch looked up sharply. Suzaku laughed.

"Sorry," he said. "I guess that was kind of mean."

Lelouch looked down again. His hands were shaking a little bit. "If I'm not human then what am I?" he asked quietly. "A ghost? A devil? A monster?"

"Lelouch, I was joking." Suzaku reached for him, putting a hand to his arm. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, okay?"

"Mm." Lelouch pulled away. He didn't want Suzaku touching him. "It's alright, Suzaku. I'm not offended." He slung his bag over his shoulder and stepped past him. "See you later."

"Lelouch." Suzaku caught him hand, stopping him. "Please..."

"I said it's alright." Lelouch tried to pull away but Suzaku held tight.

"Hey, Lelouch," he said again, quietly, desperate, "why won't you look at me?"

Lelouch froze. He could feel the pulse in Suzaku's palm against his own. It was true – he couldn't bring himself to look Suzaku in the eyes. He would have to do it then, wouldn't he? He would have no excuse.

"You're upset with me," Suzaku said softly. "Aren't you? If... if it's about Euphy–"

"It's not." Lelouch bit at his bottom lip. "It's... not your fault, Suzaku. Don't worry about it."

"How can I not worry about it? I don't want to see you like this, I want–"

"But it doesn't really have anything to do with us," Lelouch said quietly. "You and I, like this, I..."

He trailed off. At length he turned to face Suzaku, daring to raise his eyes to him. The Japanese boy was gazing at him in silence, his green eyes bright with worry. Lelouch glanced away again, quickly, defiantly. He couldn't summon the courage to do it.

"Lelouch–" Suzaku began again.

"I just wish things were different," Lelouch said. "That's all. For you and Nunnally and I." He looked down at his hand, still clasped tightly within Suzaku's. "I wish that we didn't have to hide this. I wish you could put your arms around me in front of the world."

"No you don't," Suzaku said softly.

"I didn't say I _wanted_ you to," Lelouch agreed. "I just wish that you _could_." He squeezed his hand. "I wish this was enough."

"Wishing alone doesn't bring change," Suzaku said.

"I know." Lelouch pulled away his hand. "I'm... sorry I've been such a limp rag today," he went on, forcibly injecting a bit of cheer into his voice. "I'll make it up to you. How about dinner tonight with Nunnally and I?"

Suzaku gave him a watery smile. "Sure. Sounds nice." He paused. "...You're still not looking at me."

Lelouch turned away. He suddenly felt very claustrophobic, cooped up in this room with just Suzaku – the last Kururugi, the White Knight, his complete and utter ruin.

"Sorry," he said softly. "Sometimes... it hurts. I look at you and remember what we've lost, what was taken from us back then."

"But I'm here right now," Suzaku said desperately. "We haven't lost anything." He watched as Lelouch began to drift towards the door. "Lelouch, I'm _here_."

"I know," Lelouch said. "That's why it hurts so much."

* * *

"Did you do it?" C.C. lifted her head as he came into the bedroom.

"Not yet." He leaned against the door and sighed, letting his bag drop. "I didn't get the oppportunity."

"You mean you didn't have the guts," she said lazily.

He opened his eyes, glaring at her. "You think this is easy? He's the one person I never wanted to use it on!"

"But this isn't about what you want." C.C. shrugged. "It's this or allow Kallen Kouzuki to kill him."

"I know, _I know_." Lelouch groaned, raking his hands through his hair. "...He's coming for dinner tonight. I'll have plenty of time to do it then."

"And will you sleep with him before or after you do it?"

"Shut up!" he snapped. "I might have known your sympathy last night was just an act, you heartless bitch."

C.C. flopped back to the mattress. "Heartless?" she repeated. "Yes, perhaps I am. Still, I don't understand why you're getting so worked up. Having him swear his loyalty to you works out in your favour. You can even have him be Nunnally's knight. Isn't that exactly what you wanted?"

"I'd have to get rid of Euphemia to make that legal," he replied coolly, stalking past her. "I'm going to have a shower. You'd better clear off. I don't want him to see you."

"Oh?" She sounded amused. "So you _are_ planning to come to the bedroom?"

He shot her a disgusted look. "I think you're the one not taking this seriously, C.C.," he said icily. "If you get caught, you'll be sent back to Britannia for testing. Is that what you want?"

She only smirked. "Fine," she said, yawning. "I'll leave you alone with your plaything."

Lelouch stopped, his hand on the bathroom door. "He's not my _plaything_ ," he said. He looked at her. She met his gaze, her gold eyes cool.

"Isn't he?" she asked.

* * *

They sat side-by-side on the sofa in silence. Suzaku had his head on Lelouch's shoulder and Lelouch was playing with the Japanese boy's hand in an unusual show of affection.

"You have a blister," he murmured, running his thumb over it.

"Yeah," Suzaku said sleepily. "It's from work."

"Oh." Lelouch took his fingers away. He didn't know why he was surprised; he'd seen the same welts on Kallen's palms, too. "...You should take better care of yourself, then."

"Heh." Suzaku nudged him. "Just focus on Nunnally. Don't worry about me."

"Yes, I suppose... you have Euphemia to worry about you now, don't you?"

"Don't be spiteful." Suzaku prodded him in the ribs.

"It's true, isn't it?" Lelouch let his hand drop.

"I don't know why you're so jealous of Euphy," Suzaku said. "I don't love her, not... not like that."

"Maybe that's even more powerful," Lelouch sighed. "The beautiful, pure, kind-hearted princess. You don't even need to get her into bed to fall in love with her. ...What do I have to offer compared to her?"

"You're a prince."

" _Was_. Besides, I'm certainly not pure. If you were to lay your heart at my feet, I'd stamp on it."

"No, you wouldn't," Suzaku said, nuzzling against him out of spite. "Not mine. ...Shirley's, maybe, but not mine."

Lelouch stiffened a little. "Why are you bringing up Shirley?" he barbed. "You know I'm not interested in her."

"Because of your weird fight with her." Suzaku yawned. "Okay, sure, you're not interested. Fine. But to pretend that you don't know each other is really strange. It seems like you were always good friends with her before."

"We were. I mean, we _are_ , I just..." Lelouch gave a desperate shrug. Thinking about Shirley and what he'd done to her, what he'd dragged her into... It made his head ache.

Still. He hadn't hesitated. He'd looked her right in the eyes and told her to forget him.

"Well, it's weird," Suzaku said. "Milly and Rivalz talk about it behind your back."

"I don't care."

"I know you don't. That's the scariest thing. I feel like I'm the only one who really knows you, Lelouch. I'm the only one you drop the mask for."

Again he could feel the terrified hysterical laughter bubbling inside him again. Oh, god, _Suzaku_ , he said the _stupidest_ things–

Or maybe they weren't stupid at all, maybe he knew, he'd known all along and these were calculated barbs sculpted around the shape of Zero's mask, trying to trick him into loosening his tongue...

Lelouch eased himself out from beneath Suzaku's weight and stood. He felt like he might be sick right there and then if he didn't get away.

"I-I want some coffee," he said. "I'm going to make some. Do you want a cup?"

Suzaku tilted his head. His green eyes narrowed a touch. "Sure," he said. He sounded a little guarded.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to poison it," Lelouch snapped. He stalked away to the kitchen before Suzaku could respond.

He fiddled distractedly with the coffee machine, meticulous with the filter and the cups, which he wanted to match. It would have been easier to just spoon instant granules into two mugs but suddenly he wanted to take as long as possible. He stared at his reflection in the polished silver surface of the coffee pot. Sayoko was just as meticulous as him: it was like a mirror, so clear that he could see the dark circles under his eyes from last night's sleepless fretting. He wondered if Suzaku had noticed. It was hard to say.

He summoned his Geass, watching the red flare spread its wings. It was so easy to him, so natural, to call it up and bend and twist and break people's wills beneath his own. He had never hesitated before now, not once: not with Clovis or Shirley, not Sayoko or Kallen or even C.C., who had laughed in his face. But he hadn't given it a second thought all the same, ordering C.C. to stay with him. He hadn't cared as long as he got his own way.

He let the Geass fade. He had to do it. He _had_ to. He gathered up his fraying nerves – god, he hadn't felt like this in a very long time – and put the coffee things on a tray, carrying them back into the lounge. Suzaku was fiddling with his phone, his legs drawn up beneath him. He looked up as Lelouch approached.

"Mm." He grinned, tossing the phone onto the table. "That smells really good."

"Only the best for my brave soldier," Lelouch replied, setting down the tray. The words tasted sour in his mouth. "I'll bet they give you instant crap in the army, right?"

"Worse. Freeze-dried."

"How awful." Lelouch busied himself pouring out two cups, eyes down. "...Suzaku, I... I need to ask you something."

"Sure." Suzaku tilted his head.

"Here." Lelouch handed him his cup, moving to sit next to him with his own. He took a long sip, letting the bitter taste rinse through him, rallying himself.

"Lelouch?" Suzaku asked softly. "What is it?"

Lelouch took a deep breath and raised his head, meeting Suzaku's eyes. "I..."

He faltered. He couldn't get the words out. For a long moment he simply stared at Suzaku and said nothing at all; and then he looked away again, furious with himself. He hadn't thought he was such a coward.

Suzaku gave a sigh, putting his coffee aside. "Lelouch, what's wrong? You're not yourself at all."

 _I am,_ Lelouch realised. _That's the problem. If I was Zero, I wouldn't hesitate – but I'm not Zero to you, Suzaku. I'm Lelouch._

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, savagely. "I just don't want to lose you again, I..."

"You won't," Suzaku said gently. He slid closer, bringing his palm to Lelouch's face. "I told you, I'm right here." He rubbed his thumb over his cheek, just under his left eye. Lelouch wanted to flinch away but didn't dare. Instead he went very still, barely breathing.

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise," Suzaku said. He leaned in close. "Okay?"

He took away Lelouch's cup and kissed him. Lelouch put his hands to his shoulders; he wanted desperately to push him away but couldn't bring himself to, couldn't call up the strength. Suzaku took him around the waist and pushed him to the sofa, settling his weight on top of him.

"Suzaku..." Lelouch broke the kiss, turning his face aside.

"Don't you want to?" Suzaku whispered. He mouthed at Lelouch's throat.

"...It's not that." Lelouch pushed his fingers up into Suzaku's hair.

"Then..."

Lelouch kissed him, pressing up into his mouth. Suzaku began to hurriedly undress him, rough with buttons and buckles, peeling away the black-and-gold skin of Ashford Academy. Lelouch tugged at Suzaku's belt and got it undone, found his zip, felt the heat of him straining against it already. He wouldn't be losing any of this, he knew. Suzaku would be his forever.

Suzaku pressed his forehad to his as he entered him, breathing hard; and then, after a long moment of stillness, pulsing, he pulled back a little. His breath hitching, Lelouch opened his eyes to find Suzaku gazing down at him. He was smiling, his sweaty fringe sticking to his forehead. Their eyes locked, immovable.

"You're so beautiful," he said gently. "Lelouch, you're so..."

"That's only what you see," Lelouch replied hoarsely. His throat was aching, he could barely swallow. He wanted to cry.

Suzaku shook his head. "I love you," he whispered. "Lelouch, I love you. Even if we have no future, I won't stop."

Lelouch closed his eyes. The tiniest embryo of Geass fizzled out behind his eyelid. He reached up, pulled Suzaku down close, buried his face in his neck.

"You're a stupid fool," he breathed, "and so I am."

* * *

He left Suzaku asleep on the sofa, naked under a blanket, and took a mouthful of cold coffee before creeping away. He looked in on Nunnally, sound asleep, before slinking back to his own room to wash his face.

"I thought I told you to make yourself scarce," he said wearily to C.C., who was standing behind the door. "Are you deaf or just stupid, C.C.?"

"I went for a swim." C.C. shrugged. "Now I'm back. Surely Kururugi isn't still here, not if he's not in your bed."

"He's on the sofa." Lelouch walked away from her.

"...You didn't do it, did you?" C.C. followed him to the bathroom.

"I couldn't. I just... I couldn't." He turned on the tap, splashing cold water onto his face. "When he looked at me..."

"Losing your resolve?" C.C. leaned against the doorframe. "You're going soft, Lelouch."

"I'm not going soft," he snapped, turning off the tap. "It's just... everything in my life is a lie, a mask. Zero, Geass, even the name 'Lamperouge'... Suzaku and Nunnally are the only two people I have left from a time when I didn't have to hide who I am with every breath."

"Yet you're lying to both of them."

"I know but..." He sighed. "When Suzaku looks at me, when he tells me he loves me... he means it. He means it from the bottom of his heart, C.C., and I didn't put it there, he does it of his own volition. I can't lose that, I can't see it replaced by Geass every time he... because what am I left with then?"

"Me," C.C. said. She pushed off the doorframe and came to him, wrapping her arms around him from behind. "You don't have to lie to me."

"But I don't love you," Lelouch said tiredly. "That's what it is. I need him to look at me with real emotion. If it's love then I can't sacrifice it. If it's hatred then I can't deny it. As long as it's real, I don't care. I need him to have the choice to despise me."

"You're a silly little boy," C.C. said, letting him go. She sounded bored. "I've known so many like you."

Lelouch's eyes slid towards her. "But they were all in love with you," he said. "Weren't they?"

C.C. shrugged. "Probably. It doesn't matter now. It was all eaten up by the flow of time in the end."

"That's what will happen to Suzaku and I, then," Lelouch said. "And Euphemia and Shirley, too. A hundred years from now, none of it will matter. Isn't that right, C.C.?"

"That's exactly right."

Lelouch passed her. He realised that he was wearing Suzaku's school shirt and not his own. It smelt of him.

"You can have the bed tonight," he said. "I'll go back to Suzaku's room with him."

C.C. said nothing. He looked again at her; honestly, he half-felt like provoking her just to see if he could get a reaction.

"Do you feel like I've betrayed you?" he asked calmly.

"Betrayed me?" C.C. smiled. "Lelouch, this is your war. You're the one who gets to decide who lives and who dies."

* * *

Kallen was talking to Ohgi in a low voice, her combat suit half-zipped. Lelouch, firmly pulled together as Zero, swept past her without a word. He wanted to ask her what she thought – what of this Suzaku Kururugi, pilot of the White Knight, Ashford student, son of Genbu Kururugi, traitor to the Japanese cause?

But of course he couldn't. Zero should have no knowledge of Kallen knowing Suzaku from school – so he said nothing at all.

Kallen, however, pulled away from Ohgi, following him.

"Zero..." She trailed off. He stopped and so did she, a few paces shy of his back.

"Yes, Kouzuki?" He didn't face her. He knew what she was going to say.

"The other night... you, I mean... I was worried." Kallen paused. "When you wouldn't come out of your Knightmare."

"Ah, that." Lelouch gave a dismissive wave of his hand. "I was simply restrategising. The pilot of that Knightmare turning out to be Kururugi was, I admit, outside my calculations."

"After we risked everything to save him from execution," Kallen said coldly. "It's a bitter pill to swallow."

"Yes, it is. We won't show him that sort of mercy again." At last he turned to her. "That's what you wanted to ask, isn't it?"

Kallen straightened. "I just want to know where we stand with him," she said. "Given that he clearly doesn't stand with us."

"No, he doesn't. That is his decision. I suppose we have no choice to respect it."

"I can't respect his choice to betray Japan," Kallen said. "He's full-blooded."

"Blood isn't everything, Kouzuki." He felt resentful, almost, at having to say this.

"What are your orders regarding him?" Kallen pressed. "Shall I destroy him with the Guren?"

Lelouch didn't answer for a moment. Even as Zero, he couldn't bring himself to put a death sentence on Suzaku's head; no, that was something else altogether.

He turned away. "If you can," he replied, "then by all means."


End file.
